A Letter to My 10-Year-Old Self

Soul Pancake is one of my favorite youtube channels.  I recently found a segment entitled "Talk to Your Ten Year Old Self" while browsing their collection of clips. That coupled with a recent visit with a former 5th grade classmate about nicknames were the catalysts for this letter.



Dear Jennifer,

How are you?  I am fine.   

Hee hee.  I remember that is always how you start your letters, right?  So I decided to do the same.  I wish we could have this conversation in person but since we can't, I am going to write it as if I am talking to you, okay?

So, you are 10 years old.  The whole double digits thing is kind of a big deal.  That means you have just finished up 4th grade with Miss Nelson and you are on your way to 5th grade with Mrs. Jensen. 

Hey, I know this year was rough.  Your mom and dad just got divorced.  That sucks.  And Miss Nelson was kind of mean to you.  And that was kind of hard.  But you know what?  It gets better.  Way better.  Mrs. Jensen is really nice and so is Mrs. Guffey.  They are kind and caring and will make you feel special in 5th grade.  Remember that. 

5th grade can be kind of tough with friends and stuff.  You will feel like every kid who is somebody will get his or her own cool nickname.  You may not have one and you may not be a dodgeball goddess.  But remember, you are smart and a good friend and you are loved.  And by the way, now that you are an adult, no one asks you what kind of dodgeball player you were in 5th grade.  Seriously.  And if they do, they are dumb. 

I'm not going to give you a bunch of advice because I know that you have to experience everything on your own and make your own decisions.  That is how you will grow and learn.  And you have a pretty amazing life so I wouldn't want to see you change anything!  I want you to instead focus on what you do well and keep doing it! 

First, you have TONS of supportive adults in your life who really, really care about you. Continue to seek out those caring people and spend time with them!  Some of them you haven't even met yet but when you do, you will know!  Right now, other than your mom and teachers, you have Father Ken, Grandma and Grandpa Ankeny, Grandma and Grandpa Skahill and your aunts and uncles.  They are always there to help you or just hang out, whenever you need it. 

Second, it's okay to feel however you are feeling. No one should ever tell you that your feelings are wrong.  Just remember you are strong and you can get through anything.  You just need to keep working hard and spending time with people who care.  You can get better at ANYTHING you want to - as long as you work hard.  This includes volleyball or running or science or piano.  Just work hard. Really, even science. 

Third, God loves you.  He loves you SO much.  There are going to be times when you don't feel like any man loves you.  Just remember that He does.  No matter what.  And He forgives you.  Everyone makes mistakes and you just need to fix them.  And truly be sorry.  And you will be.  Church is really boring, I know.  But pray to God and read the Bible and you will be pretty good.  Here is a verse to check out, okay?  Proverbs 3:  5-6.  Seriously.  This one is important. 

Fourth, be kind to your sister.  She deserves it.  Even when you don't think so. 

Fifth, you really aren't an animal person.  And that's okay.  Maybe skip getting the cat. 

Sixth, yes, Duran Duran is cool.  Cyndi Lauper, too.  With Air Supply and Boy George, the verdict is still out.  Maybe not so much. 

Seventh, you still love to blow the seeds out of milkweed pods.  You continue to delight watching them take flight.  Don't ever stop. 

Eighth, choose friends who are kind.  Choose friends who are kind.  Choose friends who are kind.  You deserve that, as does every human being.  It is not okay for others to treat you in a hurtful or demeaning way. 

Ninth, spelling is really not that important.  Yes, it's great that you can spell - it will save you some time from needing to look words up in the dictionary.  But get over Mrs. Focht pronouncing "mature" like "matour" - you only missed it on the pre-test. 

Tenth, keep reading.  All the time.  It grows your brain even more.  And keep listening to and loving music.  It grows your brain, too. And try new things, even if it is just one time.  That will also grow your brain.

Finally, all of your experiences (the sum) will shape who you become (the good, the bad and the ugly). And oh, by the way, I mean "ugly" figuratively not like literally.  While you may not love every minute of it, enjoy the ride.  It gets amazingly better every year. 

I love you. 

Hugs, 

Jennifer (your older self)

I am still figuring out how to be a Mom

I am finally beginning to feel in summer mode and with summer time, comes my "To Be Read" list.  One of the titles on that list is The Five Love Languages of Children by Chapman and Campbell.  The jury is still out for me on whether this whole love language thing is just a gimmick, but I have to say there are definitely some truths in it for our family.

The basic premise of the book, as I understand it, is that people enjoy and appreciate being shown love and affection in different ways.  Once a parent, partner or friend understands the other person's love language and uses it, communication will improve and so will the overall quality of the relationship.  What I found is that my oldest definitely has a primary Love Language:  Quality Time.  (Is it just me, or does it seem very silly to capitalize that?  Are those truly proper nouns?)

While Zane does have some preferential activities, in the end he is typically pretty happy when either Jason or I or both of us are spending time with him.  Hugs don't really matter as much to him.  Neither do gifts or lots of positive compliments.  He just wants to hang out with us.  Which is great, right?  Some of you know that Zane and I are very different in what we find "enjoyable" activities.  Although he does just want to be with me, it can be a challenge for us to find things to connect on.  Let me give some examples.  Z. likes building outhouses.  I enjoy indoor plumbing, free of sweat and urine on the seats.  Z. loves to build Legos and uses motors and all kinds of contraptions to design and create.  I once made one of those Cootie Catcher things pretty well, with a little help.   Z. thinks in pictures.  I think in words.  Z. likes to golf and ski and play basketball and football.  I love to cheer!  Anyway, you get the point.  Needless to say, my summer mode, still overly analytical brain has been thinking of ways to intentionally connect with Z. in a meaningful way via the whole Quality Time thing.

This past week two really great things happened.  The first was the opportunity to be the parent volunteer during Junior Golf League.  For those of you that really know me, putting this chic in charge of an electric golf cart is a bit scary. Thankfully, the boys are all in their second or third year and they were fairly helpful in assisting me in navigating the course.  (If we only remembered to put the flag back in!)  It was very humbling to watch our son in this role with his peer group and see what kind of kid he is.  I so admire his persistence and motivation.  Seriously, golfing for 3 hours at 7:30 in the morning?  Who does that?  For fun???  I was exhausted just watching the entire thing, particularly the amount of time looking for balls in the rough.  It was neat to see the kids help one another out - either by looking for balls or giving tips on improving their stroke.  Definitely, felt some Quality Time that morning.  And I didn't back over any kids with the golf cart - success!

The second cool thing that occurred was spending time with Zane learning about Minecraft.  There have been moments when I don't think I can bear one more word about Minecraft.  I have a friend who sets a timer and lets her son talk about the game for 5 minutes and they are done.  Love it!  However, on this particular day, I decided to really listen to Zane, ask him questions, have him show me his work and then have a conversation about it.  In the process, I learned some really great benefits of children playing Minecraft (yep!) and learned even more about my son, his strengths and how Quality Time makes a HUGE difference in our relationship.

One of most important points I have noticed about Minecraft from Day 1, whether talking about my students, my own children, or other people's children (ages 4 - 16!)  is how engaging it is.  As an educator, I think about the concepts of motivation, rigor and relevance and Minecraft has them all.  Here are some of the main points I learned about Minecraft through observing and talking with Zane:

• It teaches kids to be environmentally conscious.  If they cut down a tree, they use all the pieces and parts and they replant.  If they slaughter a sheep, they use all the pieces and parts (I don't really want to think too hard on that one) and grow some more sheep.
• It builds kids' vocabulary.  Some of the words mentioned during our conversation were spawn, hydraulics, dispensers, pistons, flint, jukebox (Mom, do you know what one of those are?), and redstone.
• It develops critical thinking skills and problem-solving abilities.  They design and build their own structures; survive by growing food and eating it, hunting, building shelter, making fire, navigating their way around zombies; and they learn from their mistakes and can go back and improve how they do it next time.

I asked Zane why he enjoys Minecraft and likes to play it daily.  His response said it all:  "Because it is challenging and interesting.  Every day I learn something new.  Today, I learned how to craft a dispenser and I remembered how to make pumpkin pie and cakes.  I remember by doing it."  Hmmm....that's a novel thought.  Some kids learn by doing?  No way!  (Insert smiley face). 

I could tell that Zane felt very loved and appreciated because I was asking him questions about something that interested him and I truly listened to what he was saying.  I felt more connected to him by doing this, too.  Amazing, huh?  This whole Love Language thing really works!  Genius!  Revolutionary!  Who knew that some kids really like adults listening to them and asking them questions about things they really enjoy?!?!

In the end, I also discovered some things about Zane and found that we actually have quite a few interests in common.   We both like to have meaningful conversations with one another (more than just small talk!).  We both love to be outdoors.  We both like being around people.  We both like to learn new things every day.  We both place high importance on family.  We both like to follow rules (even golf ones!).  And......drum roll.......we both LOVE Quality Time.  

Maybe next week, Zane can show me how to put a urinal in his outhouse.

40: The Big Investment

I have wanted to create a blog for a while now.    About six months and seven days to be exact.  In October of last year, I began the process by taking all the "right" steps to embark on my little journey:  I set a goal, created action steps, brainstormed ideas, developed a purpose and audience, researched other blogs, thought about it, blah, blah, blah.  And then like many wannabe writers, I came to a halt. I procrastinated. I stalled. I stopped. I thought about it some more.  And then I stalled some more.  And then I found excuses not to blog like being too busy, or feeling vulnerable or self-doubt or it's too much darned work.  

But then this cool little thing happened.  I had a conversation about hopes and dreams.  And goals.   It started with one of our district's elementary buildings and the work they are doing with hope building.  Then it carried over into a conversation with Jason about our hopes and dreams.   And life and what we choose to invest our time in, particularly now that I was approaching what my oldest son so affectionately refers to as "middle age."  Hmmmm.......that gave me the firm nudge that I oh so needed to get back to this whole idea of writing.  

And so here I am on the day I turn the big 4-0 with this inaugural post.  I am going to try to be true to my own self in this venture.  I am not going to call this thing a "journey."  I'm definitely not one of those sparkly contestants on The Bachelor, although I have been known to appreciate a good cheer routine.  For the time being, let's say my hope is to develop my insight through the writing process and learn and grow with anyone who chooses to read my writing.  More on topics to be covered in a subsequent post...right now, back to 4-0.

This morning I woke up and I found yet another conspicuous hair in one of those less than desirable locations that I needed to pluck.  As I was in the process of groaning about that, I noticed that my typical squinting wasn't working to see the miniscule thing well enough to grab it with my super-strength tweezers.  "Holy cow," I thought to myself, "do I now need bifocals?!?!"  That happens around this time, right?  Bifocals, extra hairs, belly fat, droopy eyelids.  What's next, menopause?  Wow.

These aren't the only age-related changes I have noticed lately. The other day I drove through Jimmy John's and the college-aged guy handed me my sandwich and in a super perky voice shouted, "Thanks, Ma'am!"  Wow again.  That took politeness to a whole new level.  He thinks I'm not only old but also deaf.  Do I really look that old?  I may technically be old enough to be the guy's mother but really,  I don't feel that old.

Age is just a number, right?  And with that number, I come back to my hopes and dreams and what I want to invest my time in.  Despite the hairs, the squinting and lagging metabolism, life really does get better every year.

A very good friend once gifted me the book The Girls From Ames and in it the author describes friendship and references the idea that if you are friends with someone by the time you are 40, you will most likely be friends with them for life.  Now that I am here,  I really get that.  

Being a mom and watching my kids grow and turn into the amazing little people they have become is an incredible gift.  Being married to one of the funniest people I know and the most incredible father is such a blessing.  Family is great.  I really get that.

Knowing my profession and how to advocate for kids and families by using my voice rather than remaining silent is my passion.  I really get that.

Searching for God and faith and what that all means in the big picture of life has come full circle.  I really get that.  

So tonight I end by coming back to that word invest, which means to involve or engage, especially emotionally  (Merriam-Webster Dictionary).  And as my 40th birthday comes to a close, these are the tangibles that I want to engage in and I really get:  friendship, family, my work, and my faith.  And with that, the big 4-0 is pretty grand.