The basic premise of the book, as I understand it, is that people enjoy and appreciate being shown love and affection in different ways. Once a parent, partner or friend understands the other person's love language and uses it, communication will improve and so will the overall quality of the relationship. What I found is that my oldest definitely has a primary Love Language: Quality Time. (Is it just me, or does it seem very silly to capitalize that? Are those truly proper nouns?)
While Zane does have some preferential activities, in the end he is typically pretty happy when either Jason or I or both of us are spending time with him. Hugs don't really matter as much to him. Neither do gifts or lots of positive compliments. He just wants to hang out with us. Which is great, right? Some of you know that Zane and I are very different in what we find "enjoyable" activities. Although he does just want to be with me, it can be a challenge for us to find things to connect on. Let me give some examples. Z. likes building outhouses. I enjoy indoor plumbing, free of sweat and urine on the seats. Z. loves to build Legos and uses motors and all kinds of contraptions to design and create. I once made one of those Cootie Catcher things pretty well, with a little help. Z. thinks in pictures. I think in words. Z. likes to golf and ski and play basketball and football. I love to cheer! Anyway, you get the point. Needless to say, my summer mode, still overly analytical brain has been thinking of ways to intentionally connect with Z. in a meaningful way via the whole Quality Time thing.
This past week two really great things happened. The first was the opportunity to be the parent volunteer during Junior Golf League. For those of you that really know me, putting this chic in charge of an electric golf cart is a bit scary. Thankfully, the boys are all in their second or third year and they were fairly helpful in assisting me in navigating the course. (If we only remembered to put the flag back in!) It was very humbling to watch our son in this role with his peer group and see what kind of kid he is. I so admire his persistence and motivation. Seriously, golfing for 3 hours at 7:30 in the morning? Who does that? For fun??? I was exhausted just watching the entire thing, particularly the amount of time looking for balls in the rough. It was neat to see the kids help one another out - either by looking for balls or giving tips on improving their stroke. Definitely, felt some Quality Time that morning. And I didn't back over any kids with the golf cart - success!
The second cool thing that occurred was spending time with Zane learning about Minecraft. There have been moments when I don't think I can bear one more word about Minecraft. I have a friend who sets a timer and lets her son talk about the game for 5 minutes and they are done. Love it! However, on this particular day, I decided to really listen to Zane, ask him questions, have him show me his work and then have a conversation about it. In the process, I learned some really great benefits of children playing Minecraft (yep!) and learned even more about my son, his strengths and how Quality Time makes a HUGE difference in our relationship.
One of most important points I have noticed about Minecraft from Day 1, whether talking about my students, my own children, or other people's children (ages 4 - 16!) is how engaging it is. As an educator, I think about the concepts of motivation, rigor and relevance and Minecraft has them all. Here are some of the main points I learned about Minecraft through observing and talking with Zane:
- It teaches kids to be environmentally conscious. If they cut down a tree, they use all the pieces and parts and they replant. If they slaughter a sheep, they use all the pieces and parts (I don't really want to think too hard on that one) and grow some more sheep.
- It builds kids' vocabulary. Some of the words mentioned during our conversation were spawn, hydraulics, dispensers, pistons, flint, jukebox (Mom, do you know what one of those are?), and redstone.
- It develops critical thinking skills and problem-solving abilities. They design and build their own structures; survive by growing food and eating it, hunting, building shelter, making fire, navigating their way around zombies; and they learn from their mistakes and can go back and improve how they do it next time.
I asked Zane why he enjoys Minecraft and likes to play it daily. His response said it all: "Because it is challenging and interesting. Every day I learn something new. Today, I learned how to craft a dispenser and I remembered how to make pumpkin pie and cakes. I remember by doing it." Hmmm....that's a novel thought. Some kids learn by doing? No way! (Insert smiley face).
I could tell that Zane felt very loved and appreciated because I was asking him questions about something that interested him and I truly listened to what he was saying. I felt more connected to him by doing this, too. Amazing, huh? This whole Love Language thing really works! Genius! Revolutionary! Who knew that some kids really like adults listening to them and asking them questions about things they really enjoy?!?!
In the end, I also discovered some things about Zane and found that we actually have quite a few interests in common. We both like to have meaningful conversations with one another (more than just small talk!). We both love to be outdoors. We both like being around people. We both like to learn new things every day. We both place high importance on family. We both like to follow rules (even golf ones!). And......drum roll.......we both LOVE Quality Time.
Maybe next week, Zane can show me how to put a urinal in his outhouse.
